Dharmafrog

Somewhere In The Middle

I send a picture with my christmas cards. I am compelled to capture the greatness that is my extremely handsome guys and share with all my friends and family how amazingly blessed I am to have these four beautiful souls in my life. There I said it. With every year it becomes harder to get everyone looking in the same direction, clean and smiling. I can get crazy about it. Ok, so I do get crazy about it, every year. Several times a year honestly, with birthdays and other occasions too.

Photography is my thing. It’s the thing I “have” to do. I have to do it or I won’t be me anymore. I have to look back when I’m 90 and be able to see all the moments, even if I can’t remember them. I have to have millions of shots of my babies on their journey to adulthood and then beyond with their families. I have to have photos of my crazy wild husband and I, so our boys can pass them down to their great grandkids along with stories of how much we loved each other.

I miss out on some of the fun. Being the photographer and stressing about that really good shot of Cameron kissing his elephant or all of them decorating their pumpkins, that I am not in the moment to just enjoy it. I am afraid of loosing it all at any moment. That any day it could all just disappear, my babies, my best friend, all gone and I am by myself. It happens all the time to people, some freak accident or disaster that can erase everything from someone’s life. It scares me… But I have to ask myself, would I rather have the real thing and be happy and enjoy all those incredible moments or would I rather get stressed, upset, have my boys upset because I’m upset just for a photo?

I have to find that happy medium. Where it is I don’t know yet. I’m going to find it though. I do know that my guys would rather have me present in that moment than a picture. I know that. I put so much pressure on trying to be a good Mom, I start to loose sight of what it’s really about.
Having the best possible life with my family.