Dharmafrog

A Decade of Silence

When I started this blog I wanted it to be a place where I could write things about my hysterical and trying adventures with my guys. It has also been a therapeutic way to express the thoughts in my head.

I have made some choices in my life that I am not very proud of,  I have tried to follow my heart, and do what I “felt” was the right thing. I’ve tried to do the best that I could, knowing that I would have to answer for my decisions. I am a good person, I really am, and that has taken me a really long time to be able to say that about myself.

It has been a decade since I have seen or talked to any member of my extended family. I had a very toxic relationship with the two people who were always suppose to have my back. I had to tell them that I didn’t want them to contact me anymore. I had to tell them what I should have told them years ago when I left on my 18th birthday. I had to separate myself from them in order to truly find out who I really was.

I was ashamed of that decision for a very long time. I would not be the same person that I am today if I had not done that. It has given me freedom to be whoever I want to be without judgment or fear. James became my family. And then Liam, Bryce and Cameron came and helped me see who I was and who I wanted to be.

I’ve never been that close with my relatives, they live on one coast and I grew up on the other. I was scared of what my aunts and uncles and cousins would think of me, I chose to walk away from them as well. I don’t expect them to understand such a choice. I don’t even expect them to forgive me. I would have loved to be one of those families who visit each other several times a year, who celebrates birthdays, anniversaries, weddings and babies together, no matter what state they live in. I’ve seen it, it does happen and it’s amazing!

A little over a year ago I decided that if I could forgive myself than my relatives could forgive me too. I started writing and now with the power of the all-mighty facebook, I have cousins and aunts and uncles again! It feels good to be some what normal. It feels terrifying too. I don’t want to loose it again.

James and I are spending part of our anniversary weekend in North Carolina with our boys, a touch of vacation and my re-instated cousin/niece status. My beautiful cousin is getting married this weekend and by the grace of the wedding gods she invited me and my family. Is it embarrassing to admit to tearing up at getting a wedding invitation? It is? Ok then, well good, cause I didn’t do that. That would be silly.

Now I’m scared. Clothes, hair, little boy manners, conversation. sigh.